Shards
by lifeofaknife
Summary: 'Nobody tells you what to expect from life, nobody tells you how quickly relationships can be diminished and months of effort can be gone in the click of a finger, nobody tells you how growing up sucks and can completely change you, often for worse than better.'
1. Prolouge

Prolouge- 

_Nobody tells you what to expect from life, nobody tells you how quickly relationships can be diminished and months of effort can be gone in the click of a finger, nobody tells you how growing up sucks and can completely change you, often for worse than better. _

_I guess it's a good thing though, life is something you have to do for yourself, you can't have your hand held the whole way and only see the flashy amusements on the pier, you have to experience the coldness and atmosphere after closing time. _

_That metaphor got out of hand pretty quickly, but what i'm trying to say is that life isn't all sunshine and happiness, sometimes It can be the exact opposite of that._

_Some people never have the sunshine and happiness, those of us stuck in the gutter have only one way out. _

_Or so I thought._


	2. Aftermath

The sole reason for my continued existence is yelling at me, and my brain won't actively comprehend anything but his eyes, they're a deep cerulean blue and I have spent too much of my time staring into them, there's something different about them though, and before I can work out what it is, he's out of the house like a whirlwind, leaving me stood in my room, phased.

By the time I remember what's happened I'm in my bathroom with a bottle of pills in my hand and blurred vision from tears.

I count them as I swallow until the whole box is gone, and for a time, I feel content, forgetting what has happened over the last few weeks, then, slowly, everything becomes numb, and a darkness sets in until I feel like I'm floating into a never-ending abyss

and I couldn't be happier.

a soft, steady beeping is what I awake to, and when I open my eyes, everything is white and smells overly sterile.

In an instant I know where I am, and what I tried to do wasn't successful.

I look over to see my mother sat in a rather uncomfortable looking chair, reading a book.

She looks up and after a sharp intake of breath, starts to tear up

'Mom,' I start

'Don't apologise.' she says, she's trying hard not to cry but her voice is cracking,

'I know why you tried to and I'm so, so sorry'

then the floodgates open, and I'm laid in a hospital bed like a pathetic mess, and it's not even like I can get up to hug her because i'm constricted by all these fucking drips and tubes, and it's driving me crazy because all I want to do is tell my mom how sorry I am, how much of a sack of shit I feel like right now and that it's not her fault.

'Mom, listen to me, please. It's not your fault, it could never be your fault, please listen to me.' I repeat

'please, come over here, i'd move to you but I can't', I gesture at the tubes holding me down and she stands up and moves the chair so it's next to the bed.

From the second she properly looks at me I know that I look like a mess.

'how do I look?' I ask, making a blue steel-esque face

Mom wipes her eyes 'you look awful' she giggles, 'worst i've seen you in years'

'Gee, thanks, mom. You're a real support' I laugh 'I'm so sorry about all of this, honestly.'

she regains her composure and tells me that she loves me, and she understands why I tried to commit.

The nurse then entered the room 'Axel Lee?' she asks

I nod in confirmation, and she comes to removes my tubing and drips, 'you're free to go, but you're on watch for forty-eight hours.'

I nod again to show that I understand, then thank her as she leaves.

I try to stand up, but in the time that I have been out cold my legs had forgotten how to hold my body weight and I fall to the floor in an awkward pile.

I can hear my mom's laughter even though she's trying to stifle it with her hand, I turn and grin at her 'I think this is something I have to work on' I say, and she nods, still laughing like a maniac.

I pull myself off the floor with the support of the beside, and stand still for a bit, giving my body time to adjust.

'you're so lanky' mom says out of the blue 'I mean, you always have been but i've never fully noticed it before.'

I think about it and realize she's right, i'm 6''3 and incredibly skinny, even though I eat like a horse at the best of times.

We leave the hospital, and drive back home to our quiet little suburb outside town. I exit the car and walk into the house to see my dad sat at the kitchen table reading his newspaper, I hang up my coat and walk into the kitchen, instead of the nod of the head I was expecting from him, he stands up and hugs me, and for a moment I swear he's crying.

The next minute he pulls away and says 'welcome home son, i'm so sorry.'

I tell him that it's not his fault, that i'm of my own undoing and walk back to my mom, kissing her on the cheek and telling her that i'll be in the living room if she wants to talk to me.

Of all the things in the house, the living room has never changed, same overly large sofa with abundance of pillows and blankets, same rugs and beanbags everywhere, the only thing that changed is the addition of a new tv that mom ordered a few weeks ago.

I throw myself on the sofa and wrap one of the blankets around me, turning the tv on and tuning it to an 8 hour marathon of america's next top model

i've barely been settled 15 minutes when my mom comes in and tells me there's someone here to see me, confused, I ask who, and she gestures to the figure that has appeared beside her, she then leaves, leaving both of us in the room alone.

I sit up sharply, shocked and also slightly pleased to see him, until I realise he's crying.

He walks over and sits beside me on the sofa, he's looking at me and trying to speak but nothing's coming out of his mouth, he's just sat there with his mouth moving.

'Roxas, honey, calm down, breathe.' I tell him, 'it's okay, I'm right here, we have all day.'

he closes his mouth and starts breathing deep, and the sound is comforting.

'i'm so sorry, I love you and I never meant for any of this to happen, I mean it, I don't even know what happened that day, i'm just so sorry and I understand if you hate me but when my mom told me you'd attempted my heart dropped and I was so scared, Axel, because I genuinely couldn't go on without you.' he blurts out amongst tears 'I'm just so sorry.' he repeats

'It's okay, I'm sorry too, and I love you more than anything, the thought of you hating me was too much for me to bear.' I say and pull him into an embrace, covering him with the blanket at the same time, and that's how we stay for a while, just in each other's company, watching America's next top model.

'God we're so gay' Roxas pipes up, after a few hours of silence

'You know it honey' I say and lean in and kiss him, cheesy-movie style

'Not even a suicide attempt takes your idiocy away' he grins 'I missed it.'

more tears, from both of us this time.

I can't cope with it already, I feel so pathetic and selfish for wanting to leave everyone behind on an impulse.

I don't know what i'm feeling, my head is conflicted and my brain won't work, I feel like it's jammed, all I manage in reply to Roxas is a stuttered sorry and more tears

_god fucking damn-it axel, get your shit together _I tell myself, but it doesn't work, i'm having a bit of an episode and the only thing keeping me from losing it is the blonde clinging to my waist and telling me it's all okay.


	3. Falling

I awake with a jump and sit bolt upright in bed, Roxas is beside me, fast asleep, and whatever woke me up sure wasn't nice.

I survey my room and the clock, seeing that it's only 5AM I decide to go back to sleep again, but I can hear dad getting ready for work in the next room, so I decide to wait it out, turning my attention to playing with Roxas' hair for a while.

By the time I'm finished it's in little braids, he looks ridiculous and I struggle to choke back a laugh.

I fade back off to sleep a short while after, and I dream that I'm floating.

In this dream, Roxas is clung onto my back, and for some reason, can't float like me. He's screaming "Don't let me fall, please, God, don't let me fall"

I look down at him, and his body weight increases greatly, I struggle to keep him upright, but he loses grasp.

then he falls.

I bolt awake again, but I see Roxas stood in front of my dresser brushing his hair through

"fucking hell, Axel, what did you do to me?'"he asks,

his brows are furrowed and he's sticking his tongue out in concentration which is the most adorable combination on the planet.

I walk up behind him and help with de-braiding the back of his head.

"sorry, I got bored." I say, flashing a cheesy grin, _God, I'm full of those. _

"whatever" he replies, turning around and kissing me on the cheek, "your mom called for us about half an hour ago, breakfast's ready" he says and walks towards the door, "don't forget to get dressed." he exits the room and I'm confused by what he just said, until I realize I'm bare ass naked.

I curse and start rummaging through my drawers for some clothes, realizing that Roxas is wearing my favourite shirt, I settle for second best and end up going downstairs in skinny jeans and a shirt which Roxas had bought for me last Christmas, It had a plain record on the front with a ram's head in the middle, and I loved that damned shirt so much.

Venturing downstairs, I found Roxas and my mom discussing politics over breakfast, I chose not to interrupt, instead helping myself to a bagel and a glass of orange juice, neither of them seemed to notice me as I sat down, they were too busy trying to work out if Romney has ulterior motives or not.

After the incredibly riveting discussion of things I really couldn't give less of a shit about, they take notice of my presence

"Good morning, sweetheart, did you sleep well?" mom asks me while buttering a slice of toast

"Not really, I kept waking up a lot." I said, and I could feel Roxas' expression drop to solemn "It's nothing though, I'm sure"

"Probably not, but you make sure to tell us if it worries you, at least a little bit." mom says, looking at me, her face showing a sneaking worry.

"Can we go shopping this afternoon? I need some new clothes." Roxas says, saving us all from an eternity of awkward silence

"Sure, why not. I need some stuff, too, thinking about it." I reply "Is there anything you want me to pick up while I'm out, mom?" I ask

she considers for a moment, and then says "Oh, I need some tortilla wraps for dinner, so if you could pick some up, that would be great."

"yeah, that's okay by me" I say, and finally get around to starting my breakfast, although they've both already finished, which makes it a slight bit awkward, as mom has this terrible habit of not believing that I eat enough, which makes me feel like I'm a creature in a zoo at feeding time.

When I'm done, Roxas and I go upstairs to get our wallets and I grab my car keys out of the jar on my dresser, I grab both of our coats while I'm at it, because I don't feel like having a whiny Roxas on my hands if it rains.

I walk out of the front door and yell back to my mum "I'LL BE HOME IN A LITTLE BIT, I LOVE YOU!"

all I get in response is "WHATEVER, JUST DON'T FORGET THE TORTILLA WRAPS"

I smirk and continue down the drive to where Roxas is waiting impatiently by the car, and I take the opportunity to piss him off with a movie quote

"Get in loser, we're going shopping."


	4. Dinner Dates

After what seems like an eternity of driving with a car full of awkward silence and cheesy chart music we arrive at the mall, I move to get out of the car but Roxas starts talking

"Why did you do it?" he asks in a flat tone "I just don't understand why you'd do that, after a fight over something so stupid."

"I had my reasons" I grumble, turning around in my seat to face him

"I know you did, I'm asking you what they were." he says "Because honestly I don't know what to feel right now, I don't know whether to be mad at you or feel guilty, but I just want to know why you tried to kill yourself over an argument, is there something you're not telling me?"

those words hit, and they hit like sharp knives, right into my chest.

"I.." I start, tripping over my words before they're even spoken.

"I thought you'd left me. I didn't remember anything you said to me because all I could process was your voice and the pain in my chest." I force back tears, I'm not crying, not now.

"Did you know 35 people try to jump off the Brooklyn bridge each year?"

"Axel, I'm sure that's an interesting point, but.."

I cut him off, "Mainly because of broken hearts. I'd say. So think of this as my Brooklyn bridge, only with emphasis on the trying part." I sigh "I just thought we were over. You slept with another guy behind my back, and I did the same, hoping for some kind of sick fucking satisfaction, after that, we argued and hurt each other as much as possible, and I was racking my brain every night for the piece of it that could have possibly thought cheating on you was a good idea, believe me, I did."

"And then you came over, and I thought it would be a good idea to explain myself and try to fix this up, but you were so angry, Roxas, and I didn't know what you were saying. I could only focus on your voice, not the words it was making, just the sounds, just incomprehensible noise."

I stop myself before I go too far, because he looks like he's about to cry.

"I tried to kill myself because I thought I had lost you."

and then he's shaking and crying quietly, and I reach over awkwardly to ruffle his hair and kiss him on the forehead

"please stop crying" I say "We're going to have a nice day if it's the last thing we do, dammit"

he picks his head up and pulls a lop-sided smile of agreement, before getting out of the car.

I follow suit, holding his hand while we walk into the shopping mall of hell.

"this was a bad idea" he says, and I just nod, observing the sheer amount of people in here.

"there's about half of the world's teenage girls in here, I swear to god." I say, awestruck. "oh well, let's find you some clothes" I grin at him and he just smirks silently.

The main difference between myself and Roxas is our personalities, he is introverted and shy, but can be quite loud and outgoing when comfortable, and I am just an outgoing ball of mayhem with spiky red hair and a bold aura.

I run into a food store quickly, to get the tortilla wraps for Mom, after a quick chit chat with the vendor we leave and we walk towards some chain clothing shop, hearing screeches of teenage girls all around sends me into a teenage screeching girl induced haze, but I'm out of it just in time to see Roxas become engulfed in a mess of brown hair and orange Hawaiian shirt, and I know instantly that it's Olette, she's joined by another, Hayner, whom I high five when he joins us.

"Yo, what's up, man?" he says "I heard some pretty bad news about you, how are you doing?"

"Yeah, long story. It's all good now, anyway. How's life going with you?" I ask, I make note of the fact that I haven't seen Hayner in a long time, and it's probably a good idea to fix that.

"Yeah, I'm good, drama at home with mom, but it will blow over" he says

Olette comes rushing over to give me a hug and see how I'm doing, and I see Hayner grin and move over to talk to Roxas.

"How are you? Are you all okay? Gosh, I missed you, we were all so worried!" she blurts out whilst squeezing my wait so hard I feel like I'm being forced into a corset, honestly, I don't know how this girl breathes, she talks so fast.

"Calm down, it's all good now, okay? Don't worry." I say, hugging her back "I missed you guys too"

she smiles but I can tell she's not satisfied by my answer, but she carries on anyway,

"Well, Hayner and I are going to meet Naminé and Pence for lunch later, you guys want to tag along?"

I look over at Roxas to see a nod of approval

"Yeah, I'm starved" I say and out of the corner of my eye I see that Roxas is shaking his head in disbelief.

We all walk together over to the food court on the other side of the mall, laughing and joking like we should do, I mean, I know we're all within the 17-20 age but we're still young at the end of the day, and I've realised there's a lot more to life.

The thing about a failed suicide attempt means that after everything's happened and you've blacked out, you kind of wake up with a fuzzy recollection of nothing but people offering you help left and right, not out of sympathy, but purely because that's what they want to do, because they love you.

That sounds like a line out of a bad chick flick, but I'm past caring.

That's how life is sometimes, you're truly in rock bottom and you decide that everybody would be better off without you, that nobody would miss you.

That's not true.

You don't realise, a lot of the time, the impact your death would have on people left behind, how their lives would change, aunts, uncles, close friends, parents, the list goes on.

But when you try to end it all, and you fail, you see the grief on their faces, no matter how hard they try to mask it, it's like a stain, and you tend to be the only one that sees it, but it's always there.

I smile at Roxas, and he smiles back, tears forming at the sides of his eyes, I kiss the top of his head and he squeezes my hand

"I'm glad you're back" he says quietly, so only I can hear it

"I'm glad to be back." I reply, and I mean it, I mean it more than I have ever meant anything.

"Oh, brace yourself, Naminé incoming" I try to let go of his hand to avoid sustaining injury from the whirlwind that is Naminé, but he grabs it tight so it ends up as a group hug.

I can hear Pence ranting about how he's "Obviously not cool enough to be in the group hug" and I smirk and yell "it's not invitation only, get your ass over here!" and sure enough, he does.

We all go and get drinks from a café, and sit down on the sofas.

Naminé sets down her sketchbook onto the table to take a drink, and I see that she's drawn a picture of my brother and I together.

I bite the inside of my cheek, debating whether to text him, I haven't seen Reno in almost 3 years.

I decide to text him, and pull my phone out only to find out there's already a message from him on my phone:

'_Mom told me the news, I'm on my way back home, I'll be there tomorrow morning, don't do anything stupid in the meantime. _

_I've missed you, London's boring without you around" _

I smirk at the screen, and Roxas peers over to read the text

"Does this mean I finally get big brother approval?" he grins

"I guess it does, yeah." I laugh, Reno will love him, I have no doubt.

Naminé gets the gist that I've seen the drawing

"Reno's coming? I knew it, I saw it in my dream" she says, incredibly pleased with herself

"You mean you didn't see this one in your tea leaves?" Hayner teases, kissing her whilst she frowns

"Shut it you, I got things right about him, didn't I?" she says, pointing at me

all of a sudden I feel incredibly uncomfortable and I tense up

"what do you mean 'got things right about me'?" I ask

Naminé smiles, "It's nothing to worry about, Hayner here got so desperate on wanting to know if you'd be okay he asked me to look at the tea leaves, and they read for your health, and here you are." she said, laughing at Hayner, who is radiating embarrassment and turning a bright shade of red.

I breathe out, calming down. "maybe you should believe in your girlfriend's so-called 'mumbo jumbo' more, eh Hayner?" I joke, and Olette and Pence, who have been very quiet up to now, laugh too.

None of us really believed in psychics and herbal remedies until we met Naminé, that girl has the gift, I swear, and she draws whatever she feels is going to happen.

She predicted Roxas and I getting together, and Reno coming home, things like that. But the only person that never believed her up until now was Hayner, which is ridiculous, because he's been her boyfriend for 3 years now.

We laugh and joke until it gets to about 3 in the afternoon, at which point Naminé starts talking dinner

"We haven't seen each other in a long time, and this isn't even all of us, I'm pretty sure nobody's working tonight either so how about we all go out for dinner, I've got the money covered."

Naminé comes from a ridiculously rich family, and whenever we eat out, it's always on her. I got punched once for trying to pay my own bill, the woman's fierce.

"I was thinking Michael's, It could be a celebration to Axel's health." she finishes

I smile, and we all agree that it's a great idea.

"Don't forget to invite Riku, Sora and Kairi either." Naminé says to me, before alerting everyone that it will be a formal occasion and that we should be there for 7.

I nod my agreement and mass text the other three

'_Dinner tonight Michael's, celebration for my health or something, Naminé's idea, be there for seven, formal dress. Naminé has costs covered.' _

I get a text from all three of them within the minute, all Okaying and saying they'll be there on time.

I tell Naminé the plans a go and she smiles hugely before herding everybody up and out of the mall, screeching something about having time to get ready, we all part ways and I start the journey to Roxas' so he can pick up a suit, I pull up to the front gate and he gets out of the car, runs inside and comes back out with his suit, and some fancy shoes I'm pretty sure he didn't have when we went to dinner before.

"New shoes?" I ask

"Mom saw what I wore last time, went crazy and bought me these" he shrugged "I also told her I'm staying at your house for a while"

"Fine by me, now let's get back to my house." I say, kicking the car into speed and managing the journey, with stop included, in half an hour.

We walk through the front door and go to my room, on the way up I throw the tortilla wraps to Mom and tell her we're going out for dinner, she shouts her okay up to us in my bedroom where we're both already half undressed and ready to take a shower

"you go first" I say "you take longer to get ready"

he frowns but he knows I'm right, so he goes to shower and emerges a little while later, dripping wet and covered in a towel, I wink at him and he laughs before moving over to do his hair, which I take as my signal to take a shower.

I spend most of my life pondering things in the shower, but all I can think about is how amazing tonight's going to be, and how much I've needed a gathering like this for ages, I scrub myself clean and shampoo and condition my hair before stepping out to dry myself off, emerging with a towel turban on my head, Roxas laughs some more and hands me the hairdryer before putting his suit on.

"Blue tie or Green tie?" he asks, and I pretend to be some sort of fashionista over it

'mm, daaahling, you simply must go for the blue tie, it matches your eyes so well, you'll look faaahbulous" I say, adding a lisp for extra effect, he grins and does his tie while I'm still battling with my hair, but about 5 minutes later I'm done, in my suit with a red tie and ready to go, I take a look at the clock and see it's 5, we have about an hour before we need to go anywhere so I go downstairs to talk to mom.

We walk into the kitchen together and my mom puts down her newspaper to look at us, her jaw dropping at the sight, "you both look incredibly handsome" she says, her hands moving over her mouth "My god, Rob, get in here!" she yells to dad, and he walks in, equally awed.

"You've grown up so fast Ax, I can hardly believe it, not to mention you and Roxas look brilliantly matched." he says "You've cleaned up so well."

I forget my parents haven't seen me in a suit before, the last time we all went out to dinner was when Roxas was just finishing college and I was working. I had spent that night at his house and Naminé had given us the offer, but I had always seemed to be away from home whenever I had to dress up.

"It's nothing much" I shrug, hugging mom and sitting down at the table, Roxas joining me.

"Oh yeah, your brother's coming tomorrow, he's staying for a few months, I told him the news and he got some time off work and got the next flight over, he'll be here for six or seven in the morning, do you want to go and pick him up from the airport?"

"He sent me a text earlier, and yeah, sure I'll go, you'll have to stay here, Rox, the amount of luggage he'll bring with him will fill up the car, guaranteed."

Roxas shrugs "I'm not really bothered, that means I get a lie in at least, and I'm not in danger of waking up with my hair in braids again." he laughed and looked at his watch "It's 6, we should make a move"

I agree and kiss mom on the forehead before grabbing the car keys and walking out to the car, opening the door for Roxas, then walking around to my side and getting in

"next stop, Michael's!" I say and pull the car out of the driveway and onto the road, music playing loud and both of us singing our hearts out.

At quarter to seven we pull up outside the most ridiculously posh looking restaurant I've ever seen in my life, and I've been to some pretty fancy places.

I park the car and let Roxas out, and we see Naminé stood outside in a white gown, she's absolutely radiant when she dresses up and It astounds me every time.

We hug her and say our hellos, and it's not long before the others turn up and we proceed inside.

We get to the stand and we're behind a couple who don't have a reservation, meaning there's no way in hell they're getting a table, reservations have a waiting list of 4-6 months, unless you're Naminé or some other well known socialite family.

She strides up to the server, smiling and says "Naminé Korrer, I booked a table for nine this afternoon?"

the server guides us to our table, which is a long, rectangular booth on a balcony overlooking the street below, I'm awestruck by the view and suddenly understand the reservation waiting list.

We all get seated and are given champagne, which we're told is 'a compliment of the house', Naminé leads a toast to two things, having me back, and us all being together.

We all take a drink and look at the menu, which is rather thick and leaves me spoilt for choice.

I settle on a posh lamb dish that Naminé recommends, I can't even begin to pronounce it's name so she orders for me, while Roxas has a seafood platter.

While we're waiting for our food to come out, I end up talking to Riku, I haven't seen him, like everybody else, it seems, in a ridiculously long time, he complements my suit and we have a pretty good catch up, I tell him about Reno coming over from London on account of my situation and he smiles, His brothers would do the same for him.

Our food eventually comes and it's amazing, I don't normally like lamb but Naminé knew what she was talking about when she recommended it, it's amazing and I give a bit to Roxas, who agrees on how good It is and gives me some fish in return.

The rest of the night flies by in a joyful haze, and I realised how much I'd be missing out on, especially the hand that's been holding mine all evening when it isn't eating or drinking.

It turns eleven and we all say our goodbyes and make our way home, Roxas and I staying behind to thank Naminé for the meal, but she shrugs the three hundred dollar bill off like it's nothing and tells us how we're going do this more often, I say that sounds good and give her a hug goodbye before walking with Roxas to the car.

When we get home mom and dad are watching a movie in the living room, we say hi and goodnight and go to bed, I set my alarm for 4:30, it takes about an hour and a half to get to the airport from my house, so I need to get to sleep as soon as I can.

Roxas and I get into bed and we fall asleep cuddling, I don't have any nightmares at all that night.


End file.
